I vow to cherish you....and your memory.

Posted on: April 23, 2015
Tags: Anniversary

Thankful for all our years together Darlin'

You know it’s coming.

Like a dream you keep having night after night after night, counting down till its arrival.

The first…second…fifth… maybe even tenth wedding anniversary

Alone.

And it hits you all over again in an instant and all at once like a thousand times again, the pain and loss of losing your spouse.

They say you fall in love in a variety of different ways. You fall in love at first sight, or maybe fall in love slowly overtime without ever realizing or accepting it until you wake up one day and hits you. And it hits you straight in the face that you’ll never be the same again, utterly in love.

I’ve come to find loss is similar to this; well at least it is for me.

You feel loss in a variety of different ways. Your world falls apart in an instant, or maybe you slowly allow yourself to let the pain in, realizing little by little how completely altered your life will forever be until you wake up and it hits you, and it hits your straight in the heart…they’re really gone and you’ll never be the same again, utterly heartbroken.

Today, is not like any other day. Yes, I did go through my usual morning routine, wake-up, hit snooze….hit snooze again, maybe even hit snooze again (or you know throw it across the room), shower, get ready for work, pour my coffee, leave for work, etc. But, today, I assure you, was not like any other day for me.

Today, is my 13th wedding anniversary to the love of my life, William.

Today, I woke up and thanked my amazing husband for the life we shared together.

Today, I woke up and remembered all the memories that God allowed me to make with William while he was alive, the ones I’ve made since I lost him, and the ones I am sure to make in the future.

Today, I woke up and thanked God for sheltering me in the comfort of His grace during the hardest time of my life.

Being thankful after such tragic loss is…well…less than easy, in fact it’s really hard. And for anyone who has lost someone can attest, it takes time and most importantly, it takes trust to be thankful. All loss is different but I know the family of us, who are related by our shared loss, have to feel in some ways, very similar. It is the constant battle of juggling our roller coaster of emotions that include the twists and turns of anger, sadness, joy, happiness, and even guilt.

I challenge you who have lost the love of your life to take this ride with me, feel the emotions with me, and trust. Trust in God, He who comforts me when William can no longer, trust in Him to give you strength when you don’t think you have any left to get you through another birthday, another holiday… a 13th anniversary.

Today, of all days, I am thankful. I am thankful for life and for loss. Thankful for the incandescent joy that William brought me and thankful for the unequivocal support I have received since William left me. I get mad sometimes for losing him so early in life, it isn’t fair. Why? Why did it have to happen? A list of questions that spin out of control until I am lost in them. I trust in God to light my way and teach me to be strong.

What I have learned is that it is okay.

I look in the mirror and tell myself, “It is going to be okay. I am going to be okay.”

Some days I feel like I am lying to myself when I say those words and other days I believe them. It’s a coin toss, but find what helps you get to being okay. Because once you get to okay, you can go further, you can feel better, you can ride the scariest roller coaster and make it through the twists and turns and come out stronger.

God, my family, and friends ride that journey with me…and so does William. I feel him with me constantly, when the wind blows my hair or I smell something that triggers a memory...and on this day, my past days, and all my future days I am truly thankful.

Happy 13th Wedding Anniversary William, my eternal love.